Driving me Mad
by ep-llipses
Summary: Valkyrie tells terrible puns in the car and nobody is amused. (Spoilers! A small one for book 4, others are indicated inside!)
1. Really, Driving me Mad

Valkyrie wasn't usually this quiet during rides in the Bentley. Sure, they could go long periods of time without speaking during car rides, sometimes, but she had been completely silent since the moment they had taken off, gazing with unfocused eyes through the spotless passenger side window.

She felt rather than heard a slight shift from the driving skeleton beside her. Maybe he'd noticed her silence? She remained taciturn.

"Is something wrong?" he asked eventually.

"Why do you think there's something wrong?" she replied, not disrupting her view of the roadside flying past.

"You've been pouting."

"No, I haven't..."

"Yes, you have."

Valkyrie sighed. "I've just have some stuff on my mind, is all."

"Such as?"

She hesitated. "Well... everywhere we go, you know, everyone we meet? They always talk about how everyone around you ends up dead, or something, that you're crazy, you haven't a good head on your shoulders, all of that."

There was a pause. Then, Skulduggery said quietly, "And what do you think of all of that?"

"I tell them, 'Of course he has a good head on his shoulders! In fact, he even has a spare'"

There was a silence.

"Sorry," Valkyrie said, deadpan as ever. "I didn't think I'd be able to strike a nerve; usually it's like you don't even have any."

"Valkyrie."

"And you're so hard-headed, too! Too much so to be offended."

"Valkyrie."

"I thought I'd be able to hit a funny-bone or something." Valkyrie had broken her façade and was now letting a small smile slip onto her face.

"Stop this immediately."

"I'm sorry!" Valkyrie put on her most disappointed expression, turning towards her friend. "I thought you found me humerus..."

"Well usually I- oh that was another bone joke wasn't it."

"Yes, I'm afraid it was."

"You really need to stop this."

"Just trying to tickle your ribs..."

"No, you're trying to-"

"Femur."

"Alright, that's enough." The Bentley slowed to a stop. "Get out of the car."

"Woah, woah, Skulduggery! I think you need to marrow out here."

"I am incredibly done with this right now."

"But I wouldn't last very long out there, you know how spineless I can be sometimes!"

"No."

"I can't help but feel like this conversation has become a little disjointed..."

"No."

"And I didn't mean to get so much of a rise out of you, I swear it was acci-DENTAL."

"Stop."

"Wait teeth are bones right? I'll just ask my wisdom tooth-"

"That doesn't even make sense."

"Well I'd say I'm glad you have the guts to correct me but..."

"This has to end."

"You know what to do."

"No."

"It's the bone-afide answer."

"I will not submit myself to this."

"Socket to me! I don't bite."

Another moment of silence, then a worn out sigh.

"You're really going to make me do this." Valkyrie grinned.

"And all of this will end if I do?" She nodded.

"...you know sometimes you can really get... under my skin."

Valkyrie's grin widened. "That's surprising."

"I really wish I could get you out of my hair sometimes."

"Do you?"

"Yes, you have the tendon-cy to rattle my bones far too often." His voice was pitifully resigned.

She laughed. "I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

She laughed again, and the car resumed its course.


	2. I Got a Bone to Pick with You

**Okay, so some people liked this? And wanted sort of a drabble thing? Great! Obviously this isn't going to be, like, a regular thing, but maybe check back every couple months if you like it and there might be a little present waiting for you, who knows?**

**WARNING, this chapter has INTENSE spoilers for book 6? PLEASE do not read this if you haven't gotten that far, because this is probably my favorite twist of the whole series.**

* * *

She smiled at the city, hundreds of feet beneath her, yellow and blue lights reflected off the streets and windows and onto her face, into her hair, glinting off of her dark eyes. She felt a cool breeze shift her hair and her clothes, the black ones that Valkyrie liked so much, found so precious. Darquesse supposed that she liked them, too.

She felt, rather than saw, him rise up to meet her in the night sky. Even in the dark, tendrils of shadow flickered about him, relaxed, unworried about the danger that he may be in, because of her. Maybe he didn't think he was in danger? And, for all Darquesse knew, maybe he wasn't. She hadn't really gotten to stretch out very much yet, and Valkyrie still very much had her fingers dug deep into her own brain, keeping Darquesse from her full potential.

That was fine. She was confident that, for now, this was enough.

Vile leveled with her and they stilled, for a moment, observing each other.

"Hello," she said, after a while. Vile did not reply. Darquesse liked to think, though, that at least one of his wriggling limbs of shadow had been waving at her, though their erratic patterns didn't seem to indicate this in any way.

"I was just thinking," she continued. "That I didn't get to really move around, stretch my magical limbs very often, pop a joint, you know?" She decided to reveal her train of thought. Something tugged at the edge of her consciousness, something weird that she decided to ignore.

Vile, again, did not reply.

"So, that means I don't get a lot of practice. I feel a little weak." She smiled, shrugged. "I guess I just need to _bone_ up."

This had urged a response from the armoured man. His head tilted, and the shadows under his control almost seemed to move more spastically, conveying what looked, to Darquesse, like irritation.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Did that bother you? I didn't expect to break through such a tough shell, you know…" She reached to knock a fist on his chestplate but found herself shooting backwards with the imprint of a fist on her cheek and a crushed jaw. Okay, so he didn't like his armor touched.

As she flew through the air, she healed her jaw and stopped the bruise forming on her cheek. She landed- quite heavily- on the roof of a building, cracking the cement beneath her a bit. She healed the resulting broken tailbone and stood, watching Vile land gently in front of her. The little feeling in her mind returned, and she would almost classify it as amusement. Maybe Valkyrie was finally coming around? She couldn't quite tell.

"So, no touching the armor, huh?" She brushed the dust off of her jacket. "Got any other skeletons in your closet?"

A dark blade cut through her stomach, deep. It returned to its source, which stood, watching, now clearly agitated. She seemed to have been approaching some treacherous territory, here.

Darquesse looked at the cut, at the peeking intestines and the dark blood spilling onto her boots.

"Wow," she said. "That is… Vile."

A wave of shadow came crashing towards her and she dodged, this time, laughing, healing herself and rising back up into the air. Vile followed and swung another punch, which broke a few ribs and… what was that, a punctured lung? Wow, Vile really did not appreciate puns.

Which was about the same way that Skulduggery seemed to feel about them.

That should have been a red flag, but Darquesse found herself unable to stop.

"Wow, I've really _kicked_ you into high gear, huh?" She came through on this promise and shot her foot into his sternum, sending him back a bit. She retreated from him and he didn't hesitate to follow.

"Okay, I will admit, that one could have been better. Gosh, I feel like such a numbskull."

She found herself crashing through the wall of a building which was, disappointingly, closed for the night. Not a soul played witness.

"Geez. You're heartless. Like, literally, heart- woah!" She laughed and dodged another blow.

"I mean I'm no saint either, but really. Do you even like music? I'd peg you as a trom_bone_ player."

That one cost her half a face and blew her through the hole in the wall, back out and onto the street. She grew her teeth back before speaking.

"Maybe you have a sweet-tooth? I bet you're a _sucker_ for Halloween, huh, Skul-" she stopped herself. This was getting out of hand.

Vile watched her. Darquesse frowned. She had the sinking feeling that she was losing.

"You aren't hitting me. Have you lost your mind?" She paused. "Or all of your muscles?"

Suddenly, Vile's helmet melted away, revealing white bone and an endless grin.

"Nice little trick, Valkyrie. But I see right through you…"

"Did you just…" Darquesse laughed. "I liked your little joke there, but Valkyrie isn't behind any of this, you know." But Darquesse was not confident.

"Naturally. But I believe you are mistaken, I tell no jokes. I don't have the stomach for it."

Still, she found herself unable to resist his bait. "No?"

"No. To be honest, puns just make me look like a bonehead to other people."

"How can you tell?"

"I can feel it in my bones."

By this point, his armor had melted away and condensed itself into a small, black case at his feet. His clothes were wrinkled and crooked.

"You should fix your collar," Valkyrie pointed out. She wasn't used to seeing him in any state of messiness.

"Oh, I should?" He reached into his shirt and tapped his collar bone. "Seems alright to me."

"You're such a dork."

Skulduggery hummed and lifted the case off the ground. "Good plan, by the way."

"The puns? Yeah, I thought they were the type to have you rolling in your grave."

"...Yes," he said, distastefully. "And I can't believe I had to submit myself to that. Again." They began walking down the deserted road, beneath the warm glow of streetlamps. They were headed towards the Bentley, Valkyrie suspected, though she had forgotten which direction they had come from.

"But I bet you liked the Vile one, with the, er, intestines?" she said, keeping in step with her undead friend's long strides. "I thought that that would have been a dead-ringer."

"Hmm. Yes, quite clever. But please-"

"I guess the best way to get out of all of this, though, is to tickle some funny-bones, huh?"

He turned his head to look at her, slowly. "You can stop any time. Really."

She gave him the sweetest smile she could muster. "I know."


End file.
